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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30017580">Go Out</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaydenleo_x17/pseuds/kaydenleo_x17'>kaydenleo_x17</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abusive Parents, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Animal Death, Character Death, Death, Depression, Dogs, Drugs, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Slurs, Suicide, im sorry, so many tags would apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 22:09:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,116</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30017580</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaydenleo_x17/pseuds/kaydenleo_x17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Julian decides to overdose to finally receive the peace they deserve after a lifetime of loss and abuse.  Right before they go, memories of what led them to this moment encourage Julian to close their eyes and take a step across the barrier.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Original Character(s)/Original Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Go Out</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>t/w: suicide, drugs, abuse, profanity, rape, overdose, bad parenting, death, one homophobic sentence, and one slur that i [am allowed to] put in but even *that* triggers me</p><p>dont worry about me im mentally stable at the moment but we all feel this way during our troubled years, you know what i mean?</p><p>inspired by "Impulse" by ellen hopkins</p><p>this is my first ever and maybe only post on ao3 so i hope u enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I sit on the floor of my bedroom, eyes stained and red. I push the hair out of my face, white and pale. My heart aches for peace, my brain longs for revenge. I long for silence. How did it come to this moment? Bottles of pills in front of me, some prescribed by Dr. York, some taken from Mother’s medicine cabinet.</p><p>Mother.</p><p>She drives me to do my best. Well, define “best”? Does “best” mean making being the perfect object, shiny, smooth, worth being jealous over? The perfect object to show off to others, to use to elevate your status, your ego, your life. Not mine. Mother was there for me, at an early age. I was not a mistake but rather planned. Too much planning. Was I her child or was I created only for this purpose? </p><p>I swallow a Prozac. </p><p>What would father think if I did this?</p><p>Father.</p><p>He left me before Mother brought me into her grand plan. Couldn’t take it anymore. He left without saying goodbye to Mother, or Me. He left before I knew who he was, but I think I know who he was. </p><p>His room, left alone ever since he “accidentally” let the knife slit his wrist, or at least that’s what Mother told me. The demon on my shoulder tells me differently. The angel? They have left to prepare for my permanent stay.</p><p>His room was painted a melancholy gray, to compliment the bottles of whiskey that hung on shelves, like trophies of the failures that my Father was. Crusty patches on the bed, stains of wine, and dust. Lots of dust. Clothes still lay scattered on the floor. The refrigerator was still plugged in, keeping the beer cold. It’s been fifteen years since the fridge has been opened, ever since he left. On the wall hung pictures of naked girls, posters of heavy metal bands, a family photo of him, Mother, and Sidnie, and one photo of Duffy. I swallow another Prozac.</p><p>Duffy.</p><p>My only friend, the one who stayed with me when no one came for me. She would wait for me when I came home from school, when I came home from my piano class, violin class, art class, ACT prep class, SAT prep, karate class, wrestling, soccer, basketball, writing contests, tournaments, chess club, and now therapy.</p><p>She would lay her head on my lap when I cried, she would hug me when I’m feeling lonely, she would play with me when I felt like leaving and never coming back. She was everything, she was the only reason I’ve made it this far. But she had gone through enough, so it was time she left me. It’s been a year, but I still hear her barks at night in my dreams. </p><p>I put down the Prozac and reached for the Luvox. </p><p>Popping one in my mouth, I think of it and then popped in another one.</p><p>I got the Luvox from Adrian, my best friend.</p><p>Adrian. </p><p>Twelve years of friendship ended with one sentence. </p><p>He was seven when he met me, I was three and helpless. School and sports revolved around our friendship, coloring books, glue, and glitter. Childhood passes, and we were closer than we ever were during our teenage years. He was my backbone, my spine, my foundation who taught me everything I needed to learn to survive. But he wasn’t like me. He was imperfect, different, stiff, and stubborn, and I loved him for that. I loved him more than Mother, I loved him second to Duffy.</p><p>So I told him.</p><p>"I’m not a f*g like you, Julian. Ask God for forgiveness, there should be fewer people like you in this world."</p><p>And he left. Left out of my life. I turned the page and he wasn’t there anymore.</p><p>I swallowed two more Luvox’s and put the bottle down, grabbing Celexa. My head pounds harder, and my hands start shaking, but I ignore it.<br/>
Then there’s Sidnie.</p><p>Sidnie.</p><p>My only sibling, the only one who knew what happened in this house. The smart one, but the one who did not live to Mother’s expectations. She was thrown out when I was twelve, she was nineteen at the time. </p><p>I tried to convince Mother to give her another chance, but luckily I didn’t say much, or else I would get thrown out with Sidnie. She would’ve been twenty-two three days ago if we hadn’t received a phone call from the police station. </p><p>It hadn’t been a week since Mother shut the door on her when Officer Osborne told me to tell Mother that Sidnie was found dead downtown, raped, and left to bleed in the cold winter air. That was something that a teenager shouldn’t be the first to know about his sister’s death. </p><p>I took one look at the Celexa, then wiped my eyes. Was I ready for this? Did I think this through enough?</p><p>What would everyone think?</p><p>Well, fuck everyone. If I did this right then I wouldn’t have to worry about everyone’s opinion.</p><p>I down the whole bottle, then screw on the cap. I stand up and look into the mirror. </p><p>Long hair, my favorite outfit, nails painted black like my soul. A single red hairpin keeps the strands out of my face, blue jeans, and a white shirt stained with colors of the rainbow from my art class.</p><p>I go to my drawer to retrieve the three-page letter I’ve written over the past six months. It’s true, I was preparing for this moment for a long time. Folding up the papers, I slip them into an envelope addressed to Mother and walk out.</p><p>Putting the envelope on the counter, I take out a glass and fill it with water. Taking a sip, I pour the rest of the water down the sink, then went back to my room.</p><p>I’m done with the crying, the regretting. I’m done with wondering if it’s worth it or not. I’m done with the pain, the pressure, the ways things are.<br/>
I’m done with Mother, with Father, with Adrian. </p><p>I want to join Sidnie, to say hi to her again. Catch up on what I’ve missed, see how much she’s grown and matured.</p><p>I want to see Duffy, hug and pet her again. She loved belly rubs, ear scratches, and cuddles. I can’t wait to give those to her again.</p><p>I tuck myself into bed and check the time. Funny I would leave on the same day, the same time when I came into this world. The only difference is that this time, I’m alone and in control, my choice.</p><p>I go out before my head hits the tear-stained pillow.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>any constructive criticism would be helpful if you'd like to leave some :D</p></blockquote></div></div>
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